…or four months..whatever. I stopped writing in this because it was the easy thing to do. I didn’t have to worry if I was being thought provoking/funny/charming/relatable. When I think about it all it’s really stupid. No one is under any orders to read or understand what I’m trying to say and for me to force or fake it because someone else may judge me on my grammatical errors or thoughts that don’t necessarily coincide with their own is complete shit. So, I decided to care about writing and not care about the audience.
Writing is exciting to me because I rarely know where it’s going to lead, which is pretty terrifying in a way. I’ve unloaded some heavy things on paper before and I’ve walked away knowing a little more of myself, especially things I find difficult to admit. If you just put a pen to paper (or key strokes to a blank document) you will be amazed at the shit that is just dying to pour out of you. No judgments, no thinking; just unloading. Reading it back to yourself is wild. Sometimes I cannot believe the thoughts that have actually lived in my head. I constantly surprise, embarrass and amaze myself.
I can’t write for an audience and I don’t think I’m suppose to. The E.n.D
Today I met with a financial planner. We chatted about my financial irresponsibility at length and what I can do to repair the damage. The bottom line was I need financial discipline. I go out to eat or drink daily and spend a big chunk of my money at the movies, lord and Taylor and chipotle. Also i live in a house where we have a cleaning lady.
I am officially un-ruining myself and getting rid of my plan A which was to hit megamillz. We will leave that to plan B. Plan A has now become Suze Orman it up.
Lucky for me most of my grandiose plans are fleeting.
I’m too nice to undeserving people.
DNC-ing. Will write later.
Today I’m mediocre at best. Tomorrow I’m a goddess.
My sister Maryellen died on May 5, 2011. Although if you look at any documentation it will all say May 6th because the professional announcers of death didn’t come until after midnight. So it’s weird because in a way I have 2 anniversaries of her death. In all honesty I think about her probably every five minutes of every day since she has died, so two anniversaries of death doesn’t really mean that much.
I don’t have a hard time talking about my sister’s death. I have a hard time actually feeling it. It is so unbelievable to me still that when I really try to wrap my head around this hard fact it hits me like a ton a bricks all over again. It just doesn’t make sense in my universe that a person, who to me, was a walking definition of life was robbed from the world in such a cruel manner. I can go on for lifetimes about this but it’s not getting me or you anywhere.
It sounds kind of fucked but I am looking for the positive in this. It’s extremely difficult to find what good can come out of your sister dying but it is also extremely taxing being hopelessly depressed which leads to hardcore emotional drainage. So far in my positive search I have arrived at this: her death put a ton of things into perspective. A majority of shit that you are to deal with in this life does not matter in comparison to losing someone you love to cancer. It’s that simple and that awful.
Since her death I’ve preoccupied myself by escaping into literary worlds reading book after book after book. I was looking for a new read on my kindle when I took to trusting the amazon editors on book recommendations. It was then and there by the grace of this amazon editor that I was introduced to the awe inspiring works of John Green. John Green, then, introduced me to the thought of the Great Perhaps. The Great Perhaps: to leave behind a minor life for greater maybes.
It’s cliche all day I know. Carpe Diem! Live life to the fullest! but the reality is that I have remained in the comfort zone for far too long. I don’t want to resign myself to living a blah filled life just going through the motions feeling all kinds of nothing. The feelings of hurt, rejection, loss and sadness are rooted in caring about something or someone. I don’t want to stop caring because it hurts too much. This is part of my Great Perhaps, allowing myself to care again and feel all the emotions that come along with it.
May 5th/May 6th has now officially become my Maryellen Great Perhaps check in day. This past May 6th I ran my first marathon. What will I do next? That’s the beautifully terrifying thing about the Great Perhaps…it’s a just a big question mark.
Not all white, rich males are the devil just like not all poor minorities are working the system. We all need to stop generalizing.
I have been thinking that there isn’t such a thing as good or bad people just crazy and more crazy.
Stop projecting your own bullshit on people.
You are under no obligation to give any bit of a shit about what i have to say. However this works both ways.
Sitting around and waiting for shit to just happen to you is a bad way to live your life.
tumblrbot asked: WHERE WOULD YOU MOST LIKE TO VISIT ON YOUR PLANET?
Ohh snaps tumblrbot I can only pick one place?! Then it would have to be here:
I’m so much better in person than print. I am a reactor and being off the cuff…I don’t think this is my medium. How do people do this shit everyday? Writing something remotely interesting! Do remotely interesting things happen to people on a daily basis that I’m just not privy to in my own life? This is too self indulgent…I need at an outside source. Maybe I can google a writing topic of the day because the pressure to keep this going is suffocating me. Have I mentioned I am going through a dramatic phase?